My lovers all feel a passionate connection between us. They have no idea I’m faking it.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It, 

I know we don’t like to talk in terms of “normal,” but I’m trying to figure myself out. I (F 50s) have been in a happy, long-term relationship since my mid-30s. We recently opened the relationship to have sex with other people, mostly with both of us present. It came about from his desire to see me with other people. And I have always enjoyed sexual attention and interest from others of all genders/identities. Our communication is great and we check in with each regularly. But I’m starting to realize sex to me is mostly performative in nature, although I do have great sexual satisfaction (lots of squirting and intense orgasms). But it’s all about the sex act, not the person I’m having sex with. And because there’s no emotional connection, I always feel the need to have some liquor before the act to loosen up my mind (so that my body is good to go!). This was common even before my current relationship.

My lovers all compliment our sex so it seems I’m pretty good at making them feel like I have a passionate connection with them, even though I just feel like I’m giving a performance. The times I have sober sex, I feel too in my head and it doesn’t feel “passionate,” even with my partner whom I love. I wonder if I’m seeking some type of validation from sex that prevents me from having a deeper connection with my long-term partner (let alone anyone). Should I be doing some deeper self-reflection given my need to get a little buzz before sex or is this just the way I’m built? Am I just lacking the ability to have intense passion? I’ve honestly never felt passion when sober. And the buzz just makes it fun and enjoyable, it’s not real passion from within me. What do you think?

—Fake It ‘Till You Make It

Dear Fake It ‘Till You Make It,

I’ll never dissuade anyone from deeper self-reflection. If more people did it, the world would be a far more compassionate place. That said, it sounds like what you’re doing is working for you. You’re experiencing “great sexual satisfaction” and, it seems, helping facilitate it in your partners. You’re getting on a buzz, not to the point of incapacitation but just enough to loosen you up—that doesn’t strike me as a huge problem. Next time you’re at a crowded bar, look around and see all the horny people who may or may not be fixing to go home with someone at that very moment and you’ll realize you’re not alone.

That said, you know better than anyone if you have a drinking problem, and it is in fact this awareness that’s required early on to seek help. I try to avoid pathologizing substance use because it’s possible to have a healthy relationship with said substances, as long as moderation is applied. It’s up to you to determine the negative consequences and what you want to do about them. The very existence of your letter implies that you’re unsure exactly how you feel about your pre-sex sipping. A counselor or support group may help you gain clarity. (And if you want a little extra reading, we heard from an expert about the connection between sex and alcohol back in 2021.)

At the heart of your letter is some amorphous stuff. You portray yourself as lacking the ability to have intense passion. I mean, if you don’t have it, how would you know what it actually felt like? Maybe this is your version of intense passion. You say that there’s no emotional connection during sex, but the culture that my sex partners and I come from (gay) is one that makes great sport out of separating emotions from sex and the results can be plenty passionate nonetheless. Sex can be used for losing yourself in the moment rather than building lasting feelings with someone. I understand that this feeling of performance gives the impression of a barrier to intimacy, but it might also have something to do with you having an exhibitionistic streak. That’s not necessarily preventing you from getting into it; it’s how you get into it. I also am curious about your comment suggesting that sex for you is “all about the sex act, not the person I’m having sex with.” Does that mean you could have sex with literally anyone and have the same response? If not, then maybe the person you’re having sex with means more to you than you’re giving them credit, but perhaps not as much as some people whose every sexual act is one of making love. There’s a wide spectrum here, and yes, your question seems to be in search of a normalcy that doesn’t exist.

You should also look into some of the literature on asexuality because the experience you describe might have some overlap. Asexuality is most broadly defined as lacking sexual attraction for people. That’s it. There are ace people who have sex and enjoy it greatly, they’re just lacking that one component. Understanding this aspect of their wiring can come as a great relief and actually facilitate better sex. You may never come to identify yourself as ace, but it seems like there’s a parallel experience happening where you feel like you’re experiencing this stuff differently than other people or how society leads you to believe you “should.” The ace community provides so many reminders that it’s much better for you (and everyone you encounter sexually) to work with the way that you’re wired and not against it.

I think the most important thing to keep in mind is that you’re doing this to have fun, and fun you are having. If your approach to sex was somehow hurtful to others or yourself, it might be an issue, but your letter reads more to me like you’ve just figured out how to do it to maximize your pleasure.

How to Get Advice From How to Do It

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) 

Dear How to Do It, 

I’m a gay man in my 40s. My partner and I have recently started practicing ethical non-monogamy. This has definitely been a learning process for us as we navigate how we both feel about this, but our communication in all areas has significantly improved. We’re so much more open and honest with each other about our wants and desires. All good, right? My question is about the HPV vaccine. When our PCP found out that we were now sexually active outside of our relationship, she recommended the vaccine. We’re fine to get it, but it’s a series of three shots over a year or so. That’s a long time to go without being sexually active!

While our doctor is supportive, I’m not always confident in her answers as it relates to me being a gay man. Do you have any resources you could point me to? Is this something we should be concerned about, or does our age mean we’ve likely already been exposed and thus, the vaccine will have little effectiveness? Also, is there any reason that we’d need to avoid sexual activity while we wait for the full series?

—Not Ready to Put Sex Life on Hold

Dear Not Read to Put Sex Life on Hold,

Congrats on opening up. Milestone! And I’m glad to hear it’s improving your communication—it sounds like you’ve stepped up and taken on one of its challenges already. This bodes well for your future.

I’m not sure who gave you the impression that you’d have to be celibate while in the process of being vaccinated for HPV. That’s not a typical guideline. You’ve been sexually active this whole time, why would it make a difference during the timeframe in which you’re getting a series of shots? “At this time, the horse is out of the barn, enjoy the ride,” was how Dr. J. Michael Berry-Lawhorn, a clinical professor of medicine and associate director of HPV-related clinical studies at the University of California San Francisco’s Anal Neoplasia Clinic, Research, and Education Center, put it in an email regarding your letter.

Berry-Lawhorn wrote that there’s “no reasonable rationale” for avoiding sex during vaccination unless you haven’t yet had it. “Sexually active adults are highly likely to have been already exposed to HPV. In one study of MSM not living with HIV, the rate of anal HPV infection was 60 percent,” he wrote.

The vax will kick in when it does, and yes, you should get it because it protects against nine HPV types (including the biggest cancer-causing ones) and you may not have been exposed to or built up immunity to all of them. Doing what you can with what you have (left) is still worth it. Granted, it may be nominally so, but even a little more protection is still more protection. Wrote Berry-Lawhorn:

It’s not clear what the effectiveness will be…it depends on prior exposure to the nine types included in the vaccine. If they haven’t been exposed to one of the types then they theoretically would be protected against infection with that type. Since the FDA has authorized the vaccine up to age 45 and there appears to be little harm, then there is no reason not to get it. The magnitude of benefit may be small, but is not well known. My advice to patients is whatever types of HPV you have each been exposed to prior to meeting one another, you now share. Although HPV infection is common, developing cancer is uncommon and preventable with appropriate screening.

The doctor pointed out that the International Anal Neoplasia Society recommends anal cancer screening beginning at age 45, so in addition to the vaccine, you may want to look at this as well. Additionally, per Berry-Lawhorn, the recommended dosing schedule after the first shot is one at one to two months from the first dose and then the third at six months from that initial dose as well—half the time you said it would take in your letter.

So, the idea that you need to be celibate for a year is double wrong. Did your doctor tell you that? If so, talk to another one. You should investigate practices in your area that specifically cater to gay men, or a straight-up gay, male doctor (I go to a colorectal surgeon’s practice for this stuff). I’m glad yours is supportive, and she had the right idea by recommending you get vaccinated, but if she’s somehow misled you, that’s an issue. If you’ve come to these conclusions on your own, through wonky Googling, for example, well, I hope you’re straightened out now. Get the shots, have sex. Get to it.

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Dear How to Do It, 

My wife and I have been having a penis-size debate. At a little under 6 inches, I feel as if I’m on the smaller size. She believes based on her experience that I’m a bit above average. I think that she’s just trying to be nice. What is the size of an average American cock?

—Size Matters

Dear Size Matters, 

Even though you want to keep this in the country, it’s probably most useful to look at a possible global answer to your question. A 2023 study in the World Journal of Men’s Health synthesized the findings of 75 penis-size studies conducted between 1942 and 2021. The authors only looked at studies where someone other than the penis owner took down the measurement; that is self-reported data was ignored. Those of us who have read the measurements that men claim on apps and then seen said penises in person know the pitfalls of self-reporting: Namely, men lie about their dick size. What the meta-study found was the average erect penis length is currently 6 inches, and that it had increased 24 percent over 29 years (from 4.83 inches). One of the study’s authors, Dr. Michael Eisenberg, a professor of urology at Stanford Medicine, speculated that endocrine-disrupting chemicals found everywhere from our environment to hygiene products might be the cause and explained, “Any overall change in development is concerning, because our reproductive system is one of the most important pieces of human biology. If we’re seeing this fast of a change, it means that something powerful is happening to our bodies.” That said, if we’re going to hell in a handbasket, at least we’re doing it with bigger dicks and those who enjoy them get to have fun before the temperature turns stifling.

I point out this study because it’s pretty recent and reliable. Globally, you are a little under-average. Locally—that is in your bedroom—you are above average. Your wife could be fluffing you up a bit, but the reason for that is probably simple: She likes your dick. It’s big to her. There’s something about the overall shape and the swagger with which it is wielded that can contribute to the sense of a dick’s magnitude. I think, too, that sometimes people want to believe that their partner’s dick is big, and in fact, saying it enough somewhat wills this into being. I’ve talked to guys with nice, maybe slightly over-average dicks about this, and they tend to hear, “Oh your dick is so big.” Even if they don’t really believe it, they let their partners do so for the sake of their enjoyment. I recommend it.

Dear How to Do It, 

I’m an older cis-het guy, in a multi-year relationship with a spectacular woman nearly 20 years my junior. One of her many virtues is that she’s an elite athlete.  Our sex life has always been absolutely amazing, and shows no signs of slowing down. We’re both too damn busy, but when we have time, we still can have sex three times a day and sometimes an hour or more at a go. I’m aerobically fit (swim an hour a day), but I was wondering if you could recommend any strength or flexibility exercises I might take up that might pay off in bed. I was thinking more about building my core than working on my pelvic floor, but open to anything you suggest. Is there a sex professional’s workout regime?

—Looking for Stronger Love

Dear Looking for Stronger Love,

It sounds like you’re doing great already without our help. Three times a day, sometimes an hour or more at a go? That’s practically a part-time job. Respect!

Often the first answer to questions like this is Kegels, though the sexual benefits of pelvic-floor exercises for men are a bit fuzzy (the Mayo Clinic notes that they can “possibly” improve sexual performance). There is some data to suggest that Kegels can help with erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation, though your letter suggests that neither of these is an issue for you, and that’s probably why you aren’t interested in pelvic floor exercises. Something to keep in mind, though, is that squats also help tone the pelvic floor and there is data to suggest that they boost testosterone and growth hormone. So they may be good to work in, even if for maintenance. In general, resistance training is a kind of way to ride the good side of our bodies’ use-it-or-lose-it rule. It’s not that overhead presses and deadlifts are going to turn you into a sexual superhero, but they may keep your body functioning and resisting hallmarks of aging for years to come, which will, in turn, affect your sex life.

For core, you could look into pilates, which can be very challenging. But you don’t need to go to a studio to get in a good workout for your abs. I like a lot of Men’s Health’s workouts (like this one) or sometimes will do a 10-minute one on Peloton. Generally what I look for is something that mixes crunch motions, leg lifts, and other exercises that target the lower abs, and isometric (that is, static) exercises like planks and hollow holds.

I want to also suggest yoga. The benefits of this include increased flexibility (which can be extremely useful in bed), mindfulness (anything that encourages you to stay in the moment can be good for retaining connection), and endurance for discomfort. An instructor will often ask you to hold a pose for what feels like an uncomfortable amount of time, and the goal is to override this discomfort and accept it. Sometimes positions and other bodily choices that are particularly effective in sex require some less-than-comfortable maneuvering and yoga can allow you to focus on the effect more than what’s helping produce it. Good luck and namaste.

—Rich

More Advice From Slate

I am a 34-year-old woman and I’ve been with my boyfriend for 13 years. We don’t have kids (yet), we have a great relationship, the sex is always good, and we hardly fight. I honestly cannot complain: He’s the type of man every woman would want. He’s caring, very thoughtful, funny—I could keep going, but you get the point. Anyway, I feel bad for even thinking this way, but I am and never have really been physically attracted to him.