Photo: Liam Daniel/Netflix
Oh, we are so back. Sweet readers! I have been counting down the days until we could get back on our Polin bullshit together. That day has come. And so has Penelope Featherington. But before we dive into all the juiciness episode five is delivering, I must kick things off with a heartfelt apology. Truly, there are not enough words to express how sorry I am. I’m supposed to be your guide through this Regency fantasy, and it was only after part one premiered and the interwebs flooded with calling this out that I realized I completely missed the fact that when my man Colin Bridgerton goes to fix Penelope’s clothes at the end of their carriage ride, he purposefully makes sure not to use the fingers he just had inside of her so as not to mess up her dress. Even better, Luke Newton admitted it was a conscious choice, and Nicola Coughlan had no idea. It’s literally all I’ve been thinking about since May 16; I am insufferable. Sorry not sorry, I just love a thoughtful, hygienic king.
“Tick Tock” returns us right back to the Great Carriage Fingering of 1815. As if you could forget: After Colin and Penelope admit their feelings for one another in all the ways and they pull up to Bridgerton House, Colin proposes with the iconic “For God’s sake, Penelope Featherington, are you going to marry me or not?”
It feels like belaboring the point a bit to continually note how Nicola Coughlan is absolutely crushing it this season, but I’m going to keep doing it and you can’t stop me. She is so good! Even in these small moments, standing outside Bridgerton House before her entire life is about to change, she so effortlessly captures all these layers of Penelope. Because let us be so for real: Pen has done some pretty terrible things over the years, specifically to the Bridgertons. She is also a young woman trying to figure out who the hell she is, perhaps beginning to realize she can’t keep Lady Whistledown separate from Penelope Featherington forever — and even more interesting, maybe she doesn’t want to. Living a double life is always going to catch up with you at some point, and the fact that Pen has been lying to literally everyone must be weighing on her; all of those emotions and realizations and turmoil brewing under the surface, including the fact that one of her greatest wishes in life is coming true at this very moment, is right there on Coughlan’s face.
Perhaps it is exactly all of this turmoil that made it necessary for Bridgerton to give Colin and Pen’s engagement announcement to his family an off-kilter camera angle and the slo-mo treatment straight out of a horror film. But for why, Bridgerton? I was laughing so hard at the DRAMA that I could barely think about how the majority of the Bridgertons don’t seem that surprised by the news? Elated, sure, but only one person is like, Da fuck? And that person is Eloise. Oh, baby, Eloise is fuming.
Pen runs after her (ex-)friend, and El unleashes on her — but in a whisper, so it’s even more cutting. (Claudia Jessie is so good here.) The crux of Eloise’s argument is that Colin deserves to know the truth about Whistledown — “until he knows the real you, he cannot possibly love you” — but there’s a lot more going on under the surface. Lying to Colin is bad, and now Eloise is also complicit in that lie, but the root of her anger comes from the fact that Penelope’s feelings for Colin are yet another secret she’s kept from her. One could argue that Pen’s feelings were pretty obvious and El needs to get a fucking clue, but that is for another time! At this moment, Eloise is beginning to question if her friendship with Penelope was ever real or if it was all a way to get closer to Colin, and I’m sorry, but that just breaks my tiny, shriveled-up heart. Penelope promises to tell Colin everything ASAP.
I want to hate Colin for being such a ding-dong and not eavesdropping on this conversation like a normal would, but then he sees how upset Pen is afterward and tells her “all will be well” with such warmth and conviction that I’m immediately back in on this guy. And if this moment didn’t do it for you, surely the moment when he confronts Lady Featherington does.
Pen letting her family find out about her engagement in Whistledown is petty as hell and I love it so much. Portia deserves the pettiness. Even after she finds out Penelope is engaged, Portia has nothing but unkind words for her daughter. How could Penelope be so stupid as to believe Colin Bridgerton, the most eligible bachelor of the season, would actually marry her? Lord Debling was a “secure match,” she reminds her daughter. Pen believes this to be a love match, but the guy hasn’t ever said he loves her, Portia bets. Penelope admits that he hasn’t said those three words, but come on: If Colin’s declaration in the carriage wasn’t one of love, I don’t know what is. Anyone can say “I love you,” but only one guy can deliver that “feelings like dreaming of you when I’m asleep and, in fact, preferring sleep because that is where I might find you. A feeling that is like torture but one which I cannot, will not, do not want to give up” speech in a way that suddenly gets everyone reeling until they, too, can hook up to Pitbull in a moving vehicle. That’s love, baby. Anyway, just as Portia is ripping into her daughter for clearly entrapping Colin and reminding her that the Bridgertons “treated [them] like dogs” during the Marina scandal, Colin busts into the Featherington drawing room. I’m typically not one for watching people scream in the faces of their elders, but goddamn, has Colin ever been so hot as when he puts Portia in her place and defends Penelope? The “I proposed out of love” and “Penelope is the most eligible amongst [all the Featheringtons]” and the “don’t sully our Bridgerton name” — that’s just hot. And then, to top it all off, he whisks her out of that drawing room and brings her to what is to be their new home — a safe space.
Protecting the woman he loves and standing up for her is such a no-brainer for Colin that he seems genuinely baffled at Penelope’s reaction to it. She can’t quite comprehend him doing that for her: “You do not realize how much that meant to me, what you said to my mother. No one has ever stood up for me like that.” To Penelope, it is everything; to him, it is so obvious — he loves her and will always stand up for her. But Portia has sowed doubt in Pen’s mind — years of acting as if your child has no value to you will do that to a girl — and she needs reassurance. Colin takes her over to the mirror (book readers, assemble!) to show her what he sees when he looks at her — a brave, smart woman with one hell of a rack. Colin’s a boob guy, and we respect that! After a little consent check, he undresses her in front of the mirror to show her how beautiful she is. Then he tells her to lie down. My greatest dream for Miss Penelope Featherington is that one day she will come to completion while in a much more comfortable location, but for now, carriages and chaise lounges will have to do.
I love the juxtaposition of this sex scene with the carriage scene. The carriage scene was all hot, sweaty, lust — finally succumbing to feelings they’ve been trying to bury; it was sexy as hell. This scene is something more intimate and almost awkward at times, but the awkwardness is also somehow romantic. These are two people who have known each other for a long time taking things to the next level — a line you cannot uncross, especially in 1815. Sure, Colin is more experienced, but I love that you can see he’s nervous, too. He wants to make sure Penelope is taken care of — he is repeatedly asking if she’s okay and he warns her that it might hurt; he’s less smooth and more tender. On the flip side, Penelope might be an amateur here, but she also gets moments where she is in control, where she is asking for what she wants. There is confidence there because she knows she is safe with Colin. Similar to the carriage ride, we also get these sweet moments that remind us once again that this relationship is built on friendship. I’ll never get over the cute little giggles these two share. And the whole thing is topped off with a “Do I look a mess?”/ “Yes, but you’re my mess” exchange, which is maybe, definitely just a big ol’ pander to book readers, but I am ready and willing to receive it with open arms. The whole scene, from start to finish, just feels 100 percent true to their characters.
It’s also probably important to remind us of the foundation of Colin and Penelope’s relationship because, baby, shit is about to hit the fan. Queen Charlotte sees an opportunity to pounce on her greatest nemesis when she notices Whistledown’s fangs feel a bit shaved down, and she sends messengers all over town: Whoever can identify Whistledown will reap a reward of 5,000 pounds.
This big news coincides with Colin and Pen’s engagement party — thrown by our new Viscountess Kate, who has returned all knocked up with Anthony (they decide to keep the pregnancy to themselves so as not to steal Colin’s thunder). For Kate’s first event as Lady Bridgerton, it sure is memorable. The tone for the evening is really set by Eloise, who takes Pen aside to impress upon her that now that the queen has set the ’ton on the Whistledown hunt, it won’t be long before she is outed and Colin needs to know before that happens. She tells Pen she has until midnight, or she’s telling her brother. The clock is ticking.
There’s not much more I love than toasts gone wild, which is what we get here when poor Colin tries to celebrate his future wife publicly with the story of how they met and how excited he is to spend the rest of his life with her, only to be usurped first by Eloise, who has lost her mind with rage — “Here’s to knowing each other completely before the clock runs out — the clock of life, of course. It ticks for us all! To your good health!” And then furthermore by his future mother-in-law, who is laying it on real thick trying to make up for decades of mistreating her daughter in one night. When Benedict tells Tilley (I can’t believe their pairing isn’t more of a scandal, to be honest) that he “cannot tell if this party needs stronger drinks or weaker ones,” he is right.
The tension builds and builds until it reaches a point when Penelope has to run out of the room; she can’t breathe. She knows she has to tell Colin now and it could ruin everything.
But then something surprising happens, courtesy of one Miss Cressida Cowper. Listen, I kind of hate that we’re rehabbing Cress this season when she is literally still bullying Penelope, but we do get a much deeper peek into her home life, and it is bleak. Three social seasons in, her father is done waiting for his daughter to find a match and is instead arranging a marriage for her with his buddy Lord Greer — a guy who, when mentioned to Eloise, her response is “Is he not on death’s doorstep?,” which is objectively hilarious. Alas, he is old as hell but nowhere near death and also informs Cressida that as his wife, she’ll only be able to wear gray or brown, they will only attend one ball a month (maybe), and he wants four or five kids. He’s horrible, and the look on Cressida’s face says she definitely knows how babies are made (has anyone told Eloise yet?). She needs a way out of this (I guess Lord Debling is over the marriage mart after that Penelope fiasco?), and with Eloise preoccupied over Colin and Pen, she hatches a plan on her own — she’s going to get those 5,000 pounds from Queen Charlotte for unmasking Whistledown and run off to live her own life. And she might as well do it at the Bridgerton-Featherington engagement party.
There is so much going on at this party already! John Stirling has all but proposed to Francesca and he wants to make a good impression on Anthony and the rest of the crew. He could not be any more endearingly awkward than he is trying to get this story out about muddy boots when he was a kid. In the end, it turns out, it’s simply a way for him to sweetly profess his love for her, by admitting that he sometimes misses what is right in front of him, “but not Francesca. Her, I saw straight away,” and not only does Anthony seem onboard with the match, but it seems like Violet might finally be turning a corner on the whole thing, getting a glimpse of just how happy Francesca is to be standing next to this guy. She still remains apprehensive as to what the queen will say about it, but this is progress!
Violet has a lot to process anyway. Kate admits that one of the reasons she’s wanted to hold back the pregnancy news is because she’s bummed it won’t just be Kanthony anymore, but after some reassurance from Anthony that growing their family is a very good thing and seeing how happy the Bridgertons are in this moment, she decides it is time to let the cat out of the bag. They tell Violet and Lady Danbury first, who couldn’t be more excited for them.
Then they turn to announce it to the entire room.
But the clock strikes midnight, and Penelope is sweating bullets. Poor, sweet Colin earnestly asks if her feelings for him have changed, if she simply got swept up in the carriage of it all. The vulnerability here, I’m sorry, is very endearing! When Eloise steps in to make good on her threat, Colin sends her off to get a cool cloth for his obviously distressed fiancée.
But wait! Also, at this very moment, Cressida Cowper stands at the front of the room. After an evening of hearing people discuss Whistledown — how she has power, how she would never have to marry, or how she would be so ruined no one would marry her — all of it sounds like a heavenly reprieve to the future Cressida is currently staring down. And so, she announces to the room that she, in fact, is the brains behind their favorite scandal sheet — she is the one and only Lady Whistledown.
Pen promptly passes out, and that feels right.
• I’m a sucker for a good Bridgerton-brother scene, and we get an absolute banger in this episode: Anthony and Benedict want the full scoop on how this thing with Penelope came to be. First, we get Colin being swoony by telling them that he thinks perhaps he’s always had feelings for: “My only foolishness this time was not realizing it sooner.” Even A & B are moved by his admission and push him to say those exact words to Pen. Second, when Colin hints that he and Pen have already gone there, Anthony so badly wants to be outraged, but Benedict steps in with an “Are you going to duel with your own brother?” Benedict fucking rules.
• We also get a lovely Kate/Eloise scene, which is a nice way to build on their little heart-to-heart in season two. They do share some real similarities, and I love seeing that expanded here. Eloise admits how hurt she is that both Pen and Colin hid secrets from her, and how upsetting it is to once again be reminded that eventually everyone pairs off. Kate advises her to be honest with her brother about her feelings — the truth is always the best course of action, and Kate would know. Kate understands Eloise more than any of her actual sisters do — I hope they keep confiding in one another throughout the series.
• Absolutely living for Violet being so horrified over the thought of a “Bridgerton-Featherington” family that she is just standing there slamming back glasses of Champagne.
• Are Violet and Marcus gonna make out yet or what?
• Honestly, a big round of applause for the moment when Colin finally drops trou and Nicola Coughlan’s eyes basically pop out of her head like a cartoon character. That! Is! Cinema!
• One of our astute commenters pointed out that Eloise is such a Miranda, and I giggle every time I think about it — the accuracy! Eloise is for sure a Miranda, Penelope might be a less monstrous Carrie, Daphne is Charlotte (but I will hear arguments for Anthony), and Benedict is Samantha.
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